I have been an Oprah “Ultimate Viewer” for basically as long as I can remember. I started watching Oprah when I was 12. My mom was a single mom who worked multiple freelance jobs at all hours and was rarely home after school. My older sister watched General Hospital at 3:00 every day, so when I got home I would watch with her. After her show was over she would usually make us lunches for the next day and start dinner and I’d watch cartoons or Little House on the Prairie. Then one day, there was the premiere of The Oprah Winfrey Show. I don’t know why I decided to start watching that day, but I am so thankful that I did. I am who I am today because of that decision, because of Oprah Winfrey.
I had never seen anyone like Oprah before. She was smart, funny, courageous, and just so honest. And she was different. She wasn’t the blond, Barbie-looking woman who I was so used to seeing on TV and in the town I where I grew up. She was beautiful in a different way and she was REAL. I had always longed to be blond and blue-eyed and “perfect” – it seemed to me that was the only way you were heard as a woman. Oprah changed that idea for me. I heard her. EVERYONE heard her. And what we heard, for the most part, were our inner thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes and dreams coming out of this amazing woman. I understood, even at 12, that she was special and that she understood ME.
I can’t even begin to sum up everything that Oprah has taught me or meant to me, but I know what my “Aha” moment was. Coming from an abusive home, I had been raised to believe that abuse was not something you talked about. It was not something to even acknowledge within your own family, let alone with an entire nation. So I, like so many others, hid mine. I buried it deep inside me and let the pain of it eat away at me. I told myself that what my sisters and I endured was normal, that it probably happened to everyone. I convinced myself that it wasn’t really abuse – it was just the way that things were in our house.
Then one day Oprah opened up about her abuse. Hers was both sexual and physical in nature while mine was only physical, so my first inclination was to separate myself from her experience. But the fact was, the way we handled our abuse was the same. And as I heard her speaking so candidly about her pain and her reactions to her abusive experiences, I felt like she was talking directly to me. I was in awe of her. I couldn’t believe her courage. I still can’t.
It took me years to talk openly about my abuse, and it took my sisters even longer (perhaps because neither were Oprah viewers). But when I finally decided to go to therapy and start opening up about it, it was Oprah’s voice and courage that I carried with me. And once I started talking about it, I began to change. I felt lighter and more honest. I lost the actual, physical weight that I had put on like some kind of armor. I was becoming my true self. And my true self wanted to help people just like Oprah had helped me.
I put myself though school for a second time (I was originally an actress and singer, and have a BA in Drama), this time for Counseling. I became a certified school counselor and a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. And, although I have always struggled with learning disabilities, I graduated with a Masters Degree in Counseling and a 4.0 average. I got a job soon after graduation working with “at risk” youth, which I still do today. Oprah’s strength had become my strength and now I do my best to “pay it forward.”
Although I had made these changes in my life, there was still something that terrified me. I was terrified of becoming a mother. And yet there I was, married to a wonderful man who desperately wanted children, and at an age where a decision was going to have to be made. But how could I be a mother? Abuse is cyclical. How would I not repeat my abusive family history? Don’t get me wrong — I loved kids, I always had, but could I raise one without hurting him or her? Again, the answers to these questions came from an Oprah episode in the form of a Maya Angelou quote: “When you know better, you do better.” It became my mantra and I took the leap into motherhood.
When my daughter was born, I suffered from post-partum depression, and of course, it was The Oprah Show that helped me get through it. In my depression I believed that all my fears had come true and that I was not worthy of being a mother, that I had made a mistake. I was so deep inside my own darkness, pain and fear that I could not see out of it. I felt completely lost. Then one day I remembered Brooke Shields talking to Oprah about her post-partum depression and a light went on in my head. I got the help I needed because of that show. Because of Oprah, I was able to actually BE a mom. And every time I laugh and love and connect with my daughter, I know that I have Oprah to thank.
When my husband and I started trying to have a second child, we just assumed it would happen as easily as it had with our first. But after two years and trying just about every medical intervention possible, things were not looking good. I was a wreck by then so we decided to stop using medications and try to let go of the dream of a second child.
A few months later I was chosen as an Ultimate Viewer, and my husband and I got to join Oprah and 300 of the most amazing people we have ever met on a trip to Australia. About halfway through the trip, I found out that I was pregnant! We hadn’t used any drugs in over five months. There were literally no changes made that would have given us a better chance at conceiving. The only difference was that I knew we were going to Australia with Oprah and that was pretty much all I thought about! Clearly, there is something to be said about the power of distraction.
After I found out I was pregnant, I did what any good wife in my situation would do — I withheld that information from my husband and told one of the amazing Harpo producers instead. She then told Oprah and, together, Oprah and I surprised my husband with the news while the cameras rolled. It was an out of body experience to say the least! Once my husband and I returned home, we kept our secret from friends and family and let them find out by watching The Oprah Show with us. Their reactions were priceless.
Meeting Oprah had been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. Being able to go to Australia with her, getting to tell her how she changed my life, and then finding out and telling my husband that I am pregnant with our second child while she stood across from me … I still can’t process the profound effect that has had on me. But that’s what happened! To me!! It’s hard to wrap my brain around it. I am forever changed and will be forever grateful.
So how do I now say goodbye to the woman who was my role model when I did not have one? The woman who gave me a voice when mine was silent? Who had courage enough for countless others to draw from? I don’t know.
I do know that I will miss “seeing” her everyday. I know that I will cry during the last show and selfishly wish that her show were not ending. But in the end, I also know that she has a permanent home in my heart and that because of her, I am a better person. I have trusted in her this long, so I will trust her to continue in whatever way she is being called to do so. No matter what she does, I know I will always remain an Ultimate Viewer of her journey.
The post The Oprah Effect by Ultimate Viewer Cecelia Behar-Bush appeared first on Midlife at the Oasis.
